Loves Me, Loves Me Not -9/30/15

Whether a romantic partner, a friend, parents, or another loved one, there are a few things that people do that, to me, means love even if it is not explicitly stated for one reason or another. Firstly, sacrifice. When someone makes the conscious decision to put your happiness, wants, and needs before their own, that is love. Going along with that concept, when someone shares in your happiness and triumphs, but is also there through the unhappy, darker times, they love you. There is a Swedish proverb that goes “Love me when I least deserve it, because that is when I really need it.” That is so true, and I take that as a sign of love. When someone loves you in all your moods, stages, crises, and takes you in all your forms, not just happy or smiling, that is love. When someone sees your “bad side” and still feels the same and cares just as much, it is a sign of love. Love is when, at times, they know you better than you know yourself. It is when you undergo personal growth to find yourself and who you really are, and they patiently wait to see what you find.

I also take being deeply protective as a sign of love. Whether it’s a mother smoothing her child’s hair and soothing them as they cries, a father cleaning up a scrape and making it feel better with a tight hug, a friend listening to venting for hours on the phone, or someone gently kissing their partner’s forehead, love can be shown by different people to different people in many different ways. While everyone likes hearing they are cared about and being told they are loved, actions do indeed speak louder than words in the end. Feeling unloved, like no one would even notice your absence, is one of the loneliest feelings in the world. Everyone should feel loved. Sometimes it is in the small things, the little, unconscious gestures that mean the most.

Patterns of Behavior-9/29/15

For today’s entry I had to step back and really analyze myself. I thought about my behaviors, quirks, sayings, and (sometimes annoying) habits. I thought of a few on my own. But I realized they look at me and observe things I probably don’t even realize I do much more than I do. So, I enlisted some help for this topic from some people that are close to me to add to my own list of observations.

First is eye contact. I understand the importance of eye contact. It can serve many purposes, and can convey many different messages and emotions. However, under certain circumstances and around certain people, my eye contact is lacking, to say the least. As much as I wish I could hold a firm, steady gaze around every person and in every situation, I just cannot. Whether this is due to fear, embarrassment, or a gross lack of self-confidence, I am not sure. Also, when I get nervous, I blink a lot. Now that I think about it, I probably look a little strange. Just like anyone, I have a few common sayings. They evolve and change with time, but right now I have a few things I regularly say. I realize they make my spoken grammar appear questionable. “Good talk”, “bleh”, “you ain’t my pa”, “good choices were made”, and “I’m fine” are some of the phrases most common to me. Another pattern of behavior I claim is overthinking-a lot! Sometimes I also notice myself touching my hair, and occasionally slightly biting at my lip. I tend to talk to myself (sometimes not the most proper terms) when I am angry, though mumbling may more appropriately describe it. I also tend to be more irritable when I am worried about something or someone.

Insight-9/28/15

There is one thing I have come to realize about my life: it’s most often a domino effect, particularly when the events are bad. By this I mean, that when one bad thing happens or goes wrong, it’s almost a guarantee that a bunch of things are sure to follow and mess up the next few weeks, if not longer. As if on cue, something pretty difficult to get through occurred in my life recently with someone I care a lot about, and then something else happened with some very close family, and then something happened at work.  This all happened it the matter of two to three weeks, and the aftermath from every single event is still very much present in each day.

However, perhaps the only positive of all this is the insight I have gained, and the life lessons I have learned. First of all, things can change without warning in the blink of an eye. Cherish happy times, even the small ones, and enjoy every moment with those you love. I came to the painful realization that once someone is no longer in your life, or is altered in it in some way now, it is the little things you miss the most about them and the time you spent with them. When someone leaves your life or hurts you or someone you care about, it makes you question yourself and even question them and if any of the time you spent with them was genuine. I learned that worldly things consume some people and they are willing to throw their life (and anyone who stands in their way) away. I learned everyone has a limit, and building up anger usually leads to a blowup over something that you would normally brush off. I learned that one must be careful who they take their anger, grief, and sadness on and be sure not to push away those who don’t deserve it. I learned life is even harder and crueler than I thought!