Missing Out-9/26/15

Life is cruel, and awkward, and crazy. Life is constantly changing and time flies when you’re having fun, or when you’re so busy and stressed you forget to stop, take a breather, and enjoy it. I am guilty of this on more than one occasion and when I step back and see what I missed, it really opens my eyes to what’s important in life and saddens me that I was so busy trying to make a life I forgot to live my own.

Perhaps the biggest and most painful change during my absence is that of the ones I love. My younger brothers live with my stepfather and mother, while I live with my father. Because of this, my time with them is limited and only occurs every couple weeks, making that time even more precious. When I truly step back and think about it, I feel like a huge failure of a sister. More often than not, I leave for work before they are out of bed, and when I finally stumble in around dinnertime, I am exhausted. They are both at ages where playtime is a necessity. They are kids, and I love their playfulness. But, as much as it pains me to say it, I can’t remember the last time I truly just gave them my undivided attention for an hour or two and played with them. Between work and hanging out with friends, I somehow missed these beautiful human beings grow older, wiser, and smarter. Their childlike innocence remains mostly intact, particularly in the youngest, but I remember holding each of them when they were newborns and now one of them is in preschool, and the other on his way to middle school. Just like with my brothers, each year when I return to school from summer break (though I have no more high school summer breaks to look forward to), I notice how my friends have changed, and I regret not maintaining stronger, more frequent communication with them. Physically, they look taller and older and emotionally they grow tougher. Growing up, especially in today’s world, you have to. Sometimes, I really focus on my parents and the ways they have grown, both as parents and individuals. The worry lines have deepened, but they both remain youthful. In some ways, they have lessened their grip on me, and in other ways they are stricter. Both have endured quite a lot.

The hardest changes to notice and therefore easiest to miss out on are the ones that occur with myself. Inside and out, I am constantly changing, but in ways I don’t notice until the world slows down and I really, truly see. I lost weight, and I look older. Some days my fickle complexion seemed to have improved and other days it looks worse. I grow more jaded about certain things, while more hopeful about others. I laugh at things I didn’t before and cry at things that didn’t used to make me cry. My hair’s getting longer, while my patience about some things is getting shorter. My sense of personal style is developing while my sense of myself and my future seems to be big question marks.  I am complex and ever-changing, just like life is. So rather than watch life pass me by from the outside looking in, I am going to live it, my own way.